Got any pennies to spare?

Hi all,

I am an Avon representative as well as, after losing my mum in 2007, a huge supporter for Breast Cancer Awareness – including walking the 60km Weekend to End Women’s Cancer, and the CIBC Run For The Cure.

Avon Canada is proudly supporting “Willow Breast Cancer Support Canada” and their goal is to collect 125,000,000 pennies. I have a pad of penny roll paper that is dedicated for this, with a Scotia bank account number for this goal – of course in pink!!

If you have any pennies you’d like to drop off to me, please feel free to give me a call at 647-801-7174 and we can set something up (or if I see you on a regular basis, I can get them then)….if you live too far but would like to help, please email me your mailing address and I can send a sheet out to you, and you can drop it off at any scotiabank as it has the account number on it.

1 in 9 women are diagnosed with breast cancer each year – and I’m sure you’ve all been affected by someone in your life with cancer, whether it be yourself, your mother, friend, sister, aunt, daughter, etc……let’s continue to try to do something about this.

If you’d like to see Avon’s video of their goal, please visit http://www.avoneverypennycounts.ca/

Let’s help them reach their goal!!

Death is nothing at all……….

I know I don’t blog on here a lot anymore but as it’s 4 years today that I lost my mum, I felt I needed to. My feelings and emotions automatically take me back to that day and I wonder if and when it’ll get easier. A good friend was kind enough to post this on my facebook wall of a favorite pic of my mum and it’s what’s going to get me through year after year – I wanted to share and hope it helps you too somehow.

Death is nothing at all…
I have only slipped away to the next room…
I am I and you are you…
Whatever we were to each, that we are still.

Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak it to me in the same way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone,
Wear no false air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect, without the ghost of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolutely unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident.

I am but waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner.
All is well.

If anyone wants to join my facebook grief page, please visit http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=group_17348799816&ap=1

or

http://www.facebook.com/pages/From-Grieving-to-Healing-Positivity/59774080875

You can also find me on twitter – @ramblin_sue and my other blog site http://www.grumpyramblings.wordpress.com

Take care,
Sue

Can YOU Help Fight Women’s Cancer?

Hello, I was wondering if you’d be able to HELP – I’m helping to run the Markham Classic Slopitch Tournament Aug 14-15 that is going to have a raffle/auction with all proceeds go to Women’s Cancer @ Markham/Stouffville Hospital. Would you be able to donate ANYTHING to the raffle/auction (i.e. gift basket, gift certificates, etc) to help raise money? If you’re able to, please send email address, or let me know – any help would be greatly appreciated. For more info, please contact Markham Classic Charity Slo-pitch Tournament for Women’s Cancer – see official donation request letter below.

July 2010

Help Us Fight Women’s Cancer

Since the mid ’90’s Ron Filion and his team have been hosting the “Markham Classic Slo-Pitch Tournament” in conjunction with Molson’s Slo-Pitch National, which attracts teams from all across Ontario. Over 800 participants enjoy two fun filled days of softball with an event Saturday evening that includes a live auction and raffle with all proceeds donated to a local charity. Since we began, we have donated thousands of dollars to those charities and we continue this year, with our choice to support the fight against “Cancer in Women”.

The Markham Classic Slo-Pitch Tournament will be held on August 14 & 15, and headquarters will be located at the Owl & Firkin, 7181 Woodbine Avenue, (just north of Steeles).

Our mission will be to help in the fight against cancer in our community.

The success of this year’s Slo-Pitch Tournament relies on the generous support of our valued partners. I invite you to become one of those partners and join our tournament as a Sponsor to help raise money in support of the Breast Health Centre at Markham Stouffville Hospital.

Since opening its doors in June 2007, the Centre has delivered a necessary service to the women in our community. The rapid access Breast Health Centre represents a patient-centered model of care offering the latest in diagnostic, assessment and treatment capabilities focused completely on the patient’s needs. The center delivers “one-stop” coordinated care in a dignified setting built for optimum patient comfort and privacy.

On Saturday August 14th at the “Markham Classic”, we will have a live auction, a joker poker as well as a raffle. Your support by providing items such as gift certificates, gift baskets and items that can be auctioned or raffled will help us to raise money to ensure that woman in our community continue to receive the care they need, close to home.

We thank you for considering a continued partnership with us and look forward to building a stronger relationship with you.

Sincerely,

Sherry Filion
416-520-6421
sherry.filion@rogers.com
http://www.teklords.net/slopitch
http://www.msh.on.ca/foundations/upcoming_events

Three years ago……

Three years ago to date, I arrived in Scotland around 8am their time (3am EST) to travel from Glasgow to Kirkcaldy. I got off the flight not knowing yet if my mum had passed away since my flight took off from Toronto the night before. Once I got through Customs and saw my sister and brother-in-law I found out that my mum was somehow still alive and hanging on.

She had slipped into a coma the previous Wednesday night after losing her battle with para influenza secondary to leukemia. The doctors couldn’t figure out how she was still hanging on on Saturday, but I like to believe it’s because my sister had told her I was on my way back to say goodbye.

I still remember, like it was yesterday, leaving the previous Sunday after a quick visit to see them, and her ending up in the hospital that she reassured me she’d be seeing me in October and to go back home. Needless to say, it’s one of the things I regret in my life. I wish I’d stayed.

But I didn’t, so I learned to deal with it these last 3 years.

I arrived at the hospital around noon time and I couldn’t believe the change in my mum in just a week, she was jaundice, puffed up and making “the breathing sound” that you knew her last breath could be at any minute….if anybody has lost anyone, you’ll know what I mean by this.

I’m fighting back tears as I’m writing this, but if you know me, you know I do better getting my feelings written down, and if you’ve been through it, then know you’re not alone.

My mum somehow managed to hang on until 1:47am Sunday June 10th (8:47pm June 9th in Canada). She was surrounded by myself, my dad, my brother, sister, brother-in-law, her sister and her sister-in-law. I was lucky enough to be holding her hand as she passed away.

The one thing I will remember about that afternoon is the fact that my dad had said she’d been in the coma and hadn’t opened her eyes since Wednesday, no matter what stimulus was given to her, yet when the nurse came in with a stick to wet her mouth, I was holding her hand, and for about 20 seconds she opened them. She didn’t focus, she didn’t speak, but to me, it was her way of saying goodbye to me, that she knew I was there.

My dad lost his best friend that day, they did everything together. It took him a long time to get past her death and move on. I’m so grateful that he met Joyce, his fiance now, at Maggie’s Centre, which is a Centre in Kirkcaldy for people who are going through cancer or family members that are dealing with a loved one with cancer. Joyce lost her husband the previous year, so knew what he was going through.

I remember my mum fondly, I still “speak” to her in my mind, but it’s days like today that’s extremely hard. I still expect the phone to ring some nights and it be her calling up for a chat. Sometimes when I’m going through old boxes or books she’s given me, I’ll see a little note with a quirp that she wrote, and it brings it all back.

I remember June 9/10, 2007 as if it were yesterday. I don’t know if it will ever get easier, but we get through it. My favorite grief quote has and always will be “Grief is something so big you can’t climb over, or get under, but somehow, you will get through it”.

My life as a celiac – part 2

I remember when I was waiting to get my diagnosis I was desperate to do anything to feel better. I thought how hard can it be to cut out gluten products? If it makes me feel better, it’s worth it, right? WRONG!

I soon found out just how hard it is. I had to cut out the obvious stuff, breads, pastas, and anything else that had wheat, barley or rye in it, but I didn’t realize just exactly what gluten was in. I have to read every single label now, do you know they even put wheat starches in soups, broths and sauces for meats?

I have to say though, I started emailing companies asking for a list of their gluten free information list, and they have been fantastic. Heinz sent me their complete product list, as well as Frito Lay, along with coupons for some of their products! It’s hard going out to restaurants because stuff pretty much everything I eat can run the danger of cross contamination. So even if I wanted just plain fries, I have to find out if they have been cooked in their own fryer. If they’re cooked in the same basket of oil as the breaded chicken fingers, I might as well be eating a chicken finger!

Now I know that gluten free products are becoming more popular and stores such as Metro and Fortinos carry a great variety of stuff, including my favorite food….pizza~! However I tried eating a gluten free pizza one time and I thought that the card board package it came in would have probably tasted more appetizing…..it was disgusting, so needless to say, I haven’t tried one since.

Another love of mine is pasta, so I’m well stocked up on rice pasta, however you have to really watch how it’s cooked. I remember the first time I made some, I cooked it the same amount of time I’d have cooked normal pasta, and I might as well have been eating slop, WAY too soft.

So I’ve come a long way in the last few months though. Eggs are a staple diet item for me now, along with chick peas, quinoa and shrimp, stuff I never really looked at before because you don’t really have to do much with it. I have found a couple of good gluten free sauces, however they’re so expensive!

One thing I was proud to say was my husband and I like to eat shake n bake items if we’re doing chicken or pork, and since that’s a no-no for me now, the first few times he ate it, I would just have mine plain, well that was BORING, so I started experimenting. I had a box of gluten free crackers so I used my slap chop to crunch them up super fine, added some seasonings (mainly paprika and seasoning salt and pepper), and voila, I made my own shake and bake, and let me tell you, I preferred it to the real stuff, it was so nice and crunchy!

I know that doesn’t sound like much, but if you knew my lack of kitchen expertise, you would have celebrated with me.

One other thing of mine that has become a favorite is quinoa salsa salad and if you’ve never tried quinoa, what are you waiting for? It’s smaller than rice, but has a lot more flavor and it’s full of protein!

Dressing:

3 tbsp GF Salsa, 1 tbsp extra-virgin olive oil, 2 tsp cider vinegar, 2 tsp chili powder and salt and pepper to taste

Salad:

1 cup cooked quinoa, 1 cup cooked wild rice, 1/2 cup rinsed, drained canned black beans, 1/2 cup rinsed, drained canned red kidney beans, 1/2 cup corn kernels, 1/2 cup chopped celery, 1/2 cup chopped red bell pepper, 1/4 cup chopped red onion, 2 tbsp fresh cilantro

The above makes 6-8 servings, which is perfect for me….I make it on a Sunday and it lasts throughout the week for my lunches!

My life as a celiac

I know this blog started out about grief, depression and the healing process, but to me, through healing, I’m able to expand to other aspects of my life, like the fact that I have celiac disease.

Celiac disease is a digestive disease that damages the small intestine and interferes with absorption of nutrients from food. It is something you’re born with. People who have Celiac disease cannot tolerate gluten, a protein in wheat, rye, and barley. Gluten is found mainly in foods but may also be found in everyday products such as medicines, vitamins, and lip balms. Some of the signs, and this list is just a small amount of symptoms, include: fatigue, skin rash, irritable bowel syndrome, infertility, joint pain, scoliosis, anemia, pale sores, gas, weight loss, migraines, abdominal pain, depression, and vitamin B12 deficiency.

Interestingly enough, 1 in 133 people have Celiac disease, however, 97% of those people don’t even know they have it. It’s something you can live with your entire life and not even know about it. For me, it was a trauma to my body that set it in motion.

Now I’ll share a little bit about how I found out I had celiac. I’ve always had a wide range of symptoms and my doctor never pin pointed it to one specific thing. I’ve had migraines since I was a child, I’ve always been anemic for no known reason and I have irritable bowel syndrome, extreme exhaustion, bloating, to name just a few of the things. However I lost a baby in September 2008 and I’d say about February or March 2009 I started getting really sick. It got to the point where if I had to go somewhere, I needed to make sure I knew where the bathroom was as soon as I got there, and I didn’t even want to eat at all, because I knew what was to come.

After reading up on some of the signs and symptoms of various gastro related problems, I went to my doctor and told him I wanted to be tested for celiac disease. Now I’ve worked in a gastroenterology clinic before so knew a bit more about stuff than if I hadn’t so when I told my doctor I wanted to be tested, he knew I wasn’t just going in randomly wanting to be tested for every disease under the sun. The blood test results came back borderline and a few weeks later I had a biopsy done of my intestine.

After the the biopsy was done, I was able to go on a gluten free diet to try it out. By the time I went to my doctor for the results about 5 weeks later, I had never felt better! My always swollen stomach was once again flat. I had energy, and I no longer needed to know where the bathroom was every time we went somewhere! Sure enough, the results came back positive so I have been gluten free since August 3rd, 2009 and have not had a migraine for no reason since.

Now I’ll admit, it’s HARD giving up stuff like pizza, gravy for fries, and of course bread and pasta, but it is possible, and believe me, when you start to feel great again, it’s worth it. There are the occasional times that I’ll “cheat” or unknowingly get glutened, and believe me, I can tell – my main thing when I’m glutened is I look like I’m about 6 months pregnant within about an hour after eating it. Living gluten free is a life long thing now for me, so because I’m not a cook, I don’t have any great gluten free recipes to share with you, but I am learning, and perhaps one day I can! Right now I eat a LOT of salads, and I make sure to buy gluten free sauces for any meat I cook. I do have to say though, is thank GOODNESS wine is gluten free! =D

If you or someone you love has a lot of these symptoms – it’s worth getting tested. I’m 32 and only hope my intestines will repair themselves fairly quickly and that I haven’t been diagnosed too late. Keep in mind, just because you test negative for celiac disease, does NOT mean that you’re not gluten intolerant, which can be just as hard on your system, so a gluten free lifestyle may be a choice for you. If you want anymore information, please feel free to contact me on facebook at Sue Mason-Morton, or leave a comment here

Please support me in the Fight to End Cancer

As a lot of you know, I lost my mum to cancer (see story below), along with other family members and friends. 1 in 9 women are affected by this terrible disease and even you men can get it! If you haven’t had breast cancer yourself, chances are you know someone that is affected by it.

I’m trying to do my part in helping find a cure for this terrible disease, so am once again gearing up my feet to fundraise to help find a cure. I will be participating in the CIBC Run for the Cure in Brampton on Sunday October 3rd. Cancer is hard…Walking, is not and if they can do cancer… I can certainly do something to try to help raise $ to find a cure. But, I cannot achieve my goal without your generous support.

The Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation CIBC Run for the Cure is Canada’s largest single day, volunteer-led fundraising event dedicated to raising funds for breast cancer research, and education awareness programs.

Each year, thousands of Canadians of all ages and from all walks of life unite to participate in the Run. Their reasons for participating vary, but they all have the same goal; to create a future without breast cancer.

Every step, every walk and every dollar you donate brings us closer to a cure, so please, help me support this. Please click on the link below to see my personal page and to donate, thank you!

http://www.runforthecure.com/site/TR/RunfortheCure/Ontario?px=1283731&pg=personal&fr_id=1097

If anyone would like to join my team, please do, the more the merrier! There is a link to do so on my personal page.

Thank you,

Love Sue

My mum’s story
I lost my mum on June 10, 2007. She had breast cancer 16 years ago, when I was 15 years old and had a mastectomy. She went through chemo then went into remission. My family moved to Scotland in October 1998 (with me staying here) and she found out in November 1999 that she had leukemia. They say that the type of chemotherapy she was on at the time for the breast cancer caused the leukemia. She was in hospital for 6 months and finally went into remission for that. In November 2006 she found out she had myelodysplasia (pre-leukemia). The doctors told her that any “cold” she gets she has to treat aggressively because she basically had no immune system. The doctors couldn’t figure out since she already had leukemia, what did this mean? She was going to the hospital once a month to get a pint of blood transfused into her. I went to Scotland May 26th for a week to visit them and she had a bit of a cough. She went to the doctors on Monday the 28th and they gave her antibiotics, saying if the fever she had got any worse, to go to the hospital. She went to the hospital on May 30th and was told she’d be in for a couple of days to get iv antibiotics. I flew back home on the Sunday, with her still being in the hospital. I got a call on the Wednesday that she’d taken a turn for the worse and there was nothing more they could do except keep her comfortable. My sister told her that I was flying back out. The doctors told my family on the Thursday morning it was only a matter of hours as she’d slipped into a coma. I flew out on the Friday night (it was the quickest flight I could get) and I got there Saturday afternoon. She passed away Sunday June 10th @ 1:47am with me there holding her hand. the doctors believe the only reason she fought was cause she knew I was coming and I would want to say goodbye.

Frustration

So I got a copy of my blood work from last week that my family doctor ordered – my b12 has gone from 75 up to 127 and my ferritin’s gone from 18 to 28 – this is all since May – I em’d it to my GI doc as he didnt’ have the hard copy at my visit last week and he said it’s still way to low.

My CK is quite elevated and platelets have dropped since last set of bld work – but he said not to worry about that for now – sure, easier said than done lol

I googled CK as I wasn’t sure what it was other than it stands for creatnine/kinase – I got this: CK Clinically is assayed in bld tests as marker of heart attack,severe muscle breakdown,muscular dystrophy,& acute renal failure ….so yeah, that doesn’t make me feel much better but it would make sense of muscle break down since I hurt all over, and the question of fibromyalgia might be raised he said in the future….. so as long as he said not to worry about it for now, I guess I won’t!

But seriously, talk about frustrating! I don’t go for my colo until May 6th, then f/u with the GI doc won’t be until end of May/beginning of June – so I have to go through another few months of feeling like this? I don’t know who to feel worse for, me or for all my friends that have to hear about it!

I’m so glad I’ve found people that do understand though and can appreciate the fact that you sometimes just need to vent…..or throw a frustrated temper tantrum! =D

Time Flies

It’s funny how we all say that time goes by so quickly, yet at the same time, it feels like yesterday again when you’re hit with a memory of some sort, either good or bad.
It’s been over 18 month since I lost my baby, and I reflect today, as it should have been her first birthday. Although a year has passed, I remember how devastated I was last year at this time. How unfair I thought the world had been to me, and was angry at myself for letting everything happen. I hated not only myself but hated seeing pregnant people and newborns everywhere….particularly not easy for me to avoid seeing as I work in a Children’s Hospital!!!
Fast forward 12 months – for the most part, I’m sane again, I don’t tend to go “off into my own little black hole” anymore but I have my moments, when it comes up to the date she went to heaven, and on days like today. I think that will always be natural, to wonder what she would have looked like – whether she had my small nose, or my hubby’s eyes…..what her personality would have been like, stubborn like, well like both her parents, or quiet and shy, or will tend to be the type who would speak her mind….maybe a little bit of both.
I still believe everything happens for a reason and although it was my dream to have that baby, I see now and know (even though the heart sometimes wants to tell you differently) that it just simply wasn’t her time to enter into this world yet….that she has more important things to do, and that’s to be the grandchild to my mum and that they’re taking care of each other.
I hope that one day, if I am blessed enough to have a baby, that I will be able to be as good a mother to that child as my mum was to me growing up. That I have the patience when they’re running around my feet and I’m trying to get the dishes done, or that there’s always too many toys to clean up, because that means that they’re alive and enjoying life to the fullest, as that’s the way it should be.
Life certainly isn’t a guarantee, we never know if we have tomorrow. And I’m not being a pessimist when I say that, but we truly don’t know. Everyone should live every minute to the fullest…. We worry too much in this world about not having enough money, whether we’re too fat or too thin, what others think of us, when what we should be worrying about is enjoying the time that you have with your loved ones.
Never let a day go by without saying I love you to that special someone in your life, for you never know when it might be the last time you get to say it, and you never want to go through your life with regrets. There are always things you’re going to wish for that had been done differently, always – but they’re done, and it’s in the past, and whatever situation arose out of your choice or decision at the time is the path your life is being led on now….and that’s the one you’re meant to be on in this moment in time……

xo

What’s been going on…..

So Christmas is coming up soon…..the time of year I HATE…..call me Scrooge, call me whatever, I just really hate this time of year……

It’s sad really because I used to love Christmas….wouldn’t matter how cold or miserable it got, being with my family was always fun….our “tradition” was to stay up until midnight just watching movies or whatever and then at midnight, bring the presents down….now when I was younger, I obviously went to bed and got woken up shortly after midnight, shortly after “Santa” had left……even long after I stopped believing in Santa, I carried on the tradition because some things you just don’t want to change……then we’d open presents, laugh, giggle, eat an early breakfast, and of course us being Scottish, drink lots of tea……then we’d go to bed around 5am, have a lazy morning and then go out for dinner at night…..we were the only family members in Canada, the rest of our family is in Scotland, so it was so nice just spending the time together…….
Then my family moved in 1998 back home to Scotland…..so things had to change….no more family traditions…..but “whatever”….i’m adaptable! or at least so I thought…….

I met my hubby that year and him and his family have kept me entertained ever since, and I do love getting together at xmas, but it’s just not the same…….I haven’t spent xmas with my family in over 10 years and I truly do miss the “traditional” Mason family Xmas…..

How do I get over this? Well I”m grateful I have a Xmas to look forward to…many of us don’t….but I still get what I guess is seasonal depression – which is better than what I was a couple of years ago……….

OK so this is quite a bit of rambling but figured I hadn’t written in awhile so thought it was owed……my typical feelings for the holidays are BAH HUMBUG but to those of you that do enjoy it, I hope you have a great one…….xo Sue

Can a pet help with depression?

When I was growing up my family had a dog, and I remember there was nothing quite like coming home after a bad day at school and being greeted by this shepherd/lab jumping up on you kissing you to death and giving you unconditional love. As I grew older and didn’t have a dog once I moved out on my own, I attributed my thoughts that there’s nothing like a pet to make you feel better to the fact that I was just a kid, what did I know?

Well…..fast forward at least 15 years……I was suffering through depression when I decided to go visit my family in Scotland in 2007. When I got back, as some of you know, my mum took ill and I had to fly back immediatly but she passed away. My depression at that point took a downward spiral, I didn’t think anything was going to lift me out of it. Well a year to the week of my mum’s death I finally got my wish, I got pregnant! I thought it was my mum’s final gift to me……

Sadly, that wasn’t the case as I lost the baby at 4 months in September 08. Again, here came the downward spiral. I knew there was absolutely nothing that would bring me back up out of it – and as I know everything (grin), I was just convinced it couldn’t happen.

Well I was proven wrong.

Friends of ours had 2 dogs and they had a litter. My hubby thought it would be nice to get one. I thought sure, why not, but it’s not going to cheer me up. Well I was wrong. We started seeing Callie from 3 days of age and when we finally took her home at 8 weeks old, not only were my spirits considerably higher, she was the light of my life. She has brought joy back into my life again. I know a lot of you are probably thinking, “whatever”, but believe me, if you haven’t had a pet, you can’t imagine the happiness they can share. If I’m having a bad day at work, or a depressing day, a quick cuddle with Callie and she makes me feel better…..it’s no wonder why they have pets in some hospitals for patients – they lift your spirits when you’re at your lowest.

And I now look back on my pregnancy loss as a blessing in disguise (and believe me, it took a long time to come to this conclusion), but if it hadn’t have been for the loss, then my body wouldn’t have gone nuts and made me extremely sick. I went to the doctor for it and got told I have celiac disease…..I’m now completely gluten free (for the most part as I am still learning), feel a whole lot better and am hoping that one day my body will be healthy enough to handle a baby. Until that time, I have my little ball of fur to make me happy – and believe me, she’s quite the handful……..xo

A Woman and her fork – very touching

Woman and a Fork

There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things ‘in order,’ she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.

She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.

Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. ‘There’s one more thing,’ she said excitedly.

‘What’s that?’ came the Pastor’s reply.

‘This is very important,’ the young woman continued. ‘I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand.’

The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say.

‘That surprises you, doesn’t it? ‘ the young woman asked.

‘Well, to be honest, I’m puzzled by the request,’ said the Pastor.

The young woman explained. ‘My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, ‘Keep your fork.’ It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming…like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!’

So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder ‘What’s with the fork?’ Then I want you to tell them: ‘Keep your fork ..the best is yet to come.’

=0 AThe Pastor’s eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.

At the funeral people were walking by the young woman’s casket and they saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, ‘What’s with the fork?’ And over and over he smiled.

During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died . He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either.

He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. Cherish the time you have, and the memories you share. Being friends with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet responsibility.

Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND even if it means sending back to the person who sent it to you……

And keep your fork.

If we believe…..

If we believe that suffering is as much a part of our lives as joy, and that we can grow, even from difficult experiences, then we will have the courage to live through the emotions and pain that are associated with suffering. If we are convinced that, down the road, we will recover from our pain, perhaps having grown a bit, then it will be easier to accept the difficult stages along the way. (pg 139)

You have to formulate new core beliefs that can help, such as “It is in the nature of things to turn back to life and live it to the fullest after a time of mourning” or “Grieving means a lot of hard inner work from which I will emerge healed in the end”.

You can also formulate personal affirmations that will promote healing:

– It’s ok and good to feel my emotions
– I have the courage to face my feelings.
– I have the strenght to live through this experience
– I have mastered other difficult situations in my life, and I will get through this one too.
– Even if they seem strange, I know my feelings are normal in people who grieve
– I will give myself the time I need
– I will not be ashamed for being envious of mothers and babies (for those people who have lost a child)
– I will grow from this experience

(pg 140)

I will never forget

Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow; but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them (Grief Never Kills – George Vallant)

Give yourself time and permission to grieve. You do not evade the expression of your grief. Purposely plan 15 minutes each day, to sit in quiet meditation and think on the one who has died. If you feel sad at the loss and the pain, allow yourself to feel the sadness and the pain. If you want to express your gratitude and love, do that. If you feel cheated and angry, acknowledge that. When the time has expired, stand up, breathe in readiness for the next task and proceed. This time of planned and scheduled grieving also contributes to your growing and sense of regathered self and a recovery of security and control (Page 60)

The Salmon vs. Grief

A hundred times
they lunge and strike
against the hurdles of a rock;
though hammering water
beats them back,
still their desire does not break.
Tehy coil & whip & kick,
tensile for their truth’s
sake; give to the miracle
of their treadmill leaping
the illusion of the natural………..

Sometimes the human being when dealing with the stresses of life stays downstream and drifts onward into the ocean. At other times, the human being can be like the salmon. As if responding to some greater call of nature, he will turn upstream and, negotiating a course through stressful events and difficult odds, will continue to leap. Drawn toward a destination upstream, the human being there fulfills one part of destiny and then also begins another.

Our task is to make something of our traumas and losses, and our reactions to them. We can drift on in an impaired existance or, like the salmon, we can continue to respond to that which is within us and beyond us, and make the leap, and find it worth the effort as we take our part in the larger scheme of things.

(Life After Loss – Getting Over Grief – Getting on with Life: [Francis MacNab])

It’s 2 years today mum….miss you….xo

It’s hard to believe 2 years have gone by.
How has it gone so fast?
When I think of the last time I talked to you,
I wish I had known it would have been my last….

I would not have left that day,
I would have stayed,
That’s just something I’ll always regret
One of the biggest mistakes I’ve made.

But I know you’re at peace now,
and no longer suffer through the pain.
That’s one small comfort,
it’s what has kept me sane.

I still talk to you though,
you’re never far from my thoughts.
Your strength still amazes me,
and I’m glad it’s something you taught.

For when I’m down,
I think of what you over came,
and I can only hope
that my strength is the same.

You will always be my “mama”
and I’ll always be your “hen”
till the day,
I can see you again.

Till that day comes,
I’ll stick by our promise of “No Tears”….
but we never listened to that,
so I promise there won’t be too many – don’t you fear!

Love you and miss you forever mum, my friend and my angel.

Sue (June 9, 2009)

It takes time………

THIS IS A PARAGRAPH OR TWO OUT OF ONE OF THE GRIEF BOOKS I READ AFTER LOSING MY MUM. I FOUND MYSELF GOING TO BACK TO IT AFTER LOSING MY BABY – WE ALL NEED REMINDERS THAT IT’S OK TO GRIEVE.

Because it’s an appropriate response to loss, grief is not a bad word! Neither is it a sign of weakness, nor does it represent a lack of religious faith. Grief isn’t something to avoid at all costs and “get over” as quickly as possible. It isn’t better to feel joy than to feel grief. It is certainly more fun to feel joy – but it isn’t better. If something good is happening, it is appropriate to be joyful. If you have experienced loss, it is equally appropriate to be sad.

If you have had a major loss, you already know that well meaning friends will reward you if you can keep from crying in public. You will be told how strong you are and how “well” you are doing. The problem is, not crying is an inappropriate behaviour that can put you at great risk of physical and emotional illness. Anyone who wants you to hold your grief in check is seeking their own comfort – not yours.

To heal properly, you must express your sadness freely and for as long as it takes to release it. Many polls and studies have asked the public: “How long should it take to mourn the death of a loved one?” – The most common answer is between 48 hours – 2 weeks. In truth, we have barely started grieving in that length of time. Research by Dr. Glen Davidson, a pioneer in analyzing the bereavement process, revealed it takes almost 2 years, at least, to begin returning to a normal life after a major loss.

DIETS, Bo. Life After Loss – 4th Edition – 2004;page 6

If we Believe

If we believe that suffering is as much a part of our lives as joy, and that we can grow even from the difficult experiences, then we will have the courage to live through the emotions and pain that are associated iwth suffering. If we are convinced that down the road, we will recover from our pain, perhaps having grown a bit, then it will be easier to accept the difficult stages along the way.

Author Unknown

Look up to the stars

And at night you will look up to the stars. My star will be one of the stars, for you. And so you will love to watch, all the stars in the heavens. In one of those stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows), you will be content that you have known me. (Antoine de St. Exupery)

Just for Today

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my life problems at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appal to me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today I will be happy. Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my “luck” as it comes, and fit myself into it.

Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways. I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out, if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I don’t want to do – just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests; hurry and decision.

Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

Hope

When all about you is black with gloom,
and all you feel is pending doom.
When your bones are racked with grim dispair,
when every breath is a gasp for air.
Keep on going, though you need to grop,
for around the bend is a ray of hope.

A ray of hope is perhaps all that’s left,
as your will to live has been bereft.
You’ve lost it all, it’s just no use!
You can end it all, you need no excuse.
But throw away that piece of rope
and give yourself a chance of hope.

Just give yourself another day,
brushing aside what your thoughts may say.
This is your life and you can make a new start,
by ignoring the brain – just follow the heart.
Taking baby steps in order to cope,
and minute by minute you’ll build on your hope.

Build on your hope, one day at a time,
though the road be steep and hard to climb.
The hurts of the past – they should be dead.
The fears of the future are all in your head.
Just live in the present and refuse to mope,
your life will sparkle for you’re living in hope.

Brian Quinn

Days & Bad Days

“You’ll have good days and bad days” he said,
not knowing
but with his expectation
of my journey of grief.
“NO”, I replied,
with my own
my painful response
“I have days and bad days”.

There are no good days yet, my love
no days like days gone by
when life was good,
and shared,
and hopeful too.
Just days
of getting by,
survival days
without you.

And bad days –
oh, the bad days
of empty longings
and private tears,
and broken heart,
and missing you.

“I have days and bad days:
was the truth.
The expectation of this time?
Good days will come?
He did not say so
Perhaps he did not know.

BUt I know all too well,
I know my loss of you.
So, for all of now,
days and bad days is my story.
This, my knowing,
this, my living,
this, my expectation,
these, my days and bad days
and all my grief for you.

Author unknown

Time

“It takes time” they said
“A long time”.
After all, time is a great healer.
So you’ll need the time.
Give it time; they said.

“But how much time?” I ask.
“How long a time
Will this great healing take?”
“What time will I be given?”
“What time does my grief need?” I asked

“More time” we say.
“A longer time than people know”.
“A time for healing of your pain.”
“You’ll know the need of that
given time”, we say.

“In time” I say
“I’ll know a time to live again”.
Be patient with me in my healing
I need the time it takes.
“My time” I say.

The times we shared
will turn to memories after time.
And longing time
and missing time
will ever be my times with you.

Author unknown

You never…

You never said I’m leaving,
you never said goodbye.
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knew why.

A million times we’ve needed you,
a million times we’ve cried.
If love alone could’ve saved you,
you never would have died.

In life we loved you dearly,
in death we love you still.
In our hearts you hold a place,
no one else will ever fill.

It broke our hearts to lose you,
but you didn’t go alone.
Part of us went with you
the day God took you home.

Author unknown

Words of Support

At the moment you may be thinking
of how things used to be –
Before these trying times
which have brought such misery.

Yet please stop and think awhile,
of all that you have learned –
Of just how far you’ve travelled
and all the corners you have turned.

So, try always to remember
that this time won’t always be,
For then you may look forward
to when you shall be trouble free!

Author unknown

We Thought of you Today

We thought of you today,
but that is nothing knew.
We thought of you yesterday,
and will tomorrow too.

We think of you in silence,
and make no outward show,
for what it meant to lose you,
only those who love you know.

Remembering you is easy,
we do it everyday.
It’s the heartache of losing you
that will never go away.

(Author Unknown)

Just one of those days – urgh

My baby

May 21, 2009 – Wow, to think that I should have a 2 1/2 month old little baby by now…..where on earth does the time go? There are days I think that I’m past it, there are days that I think positively towards the future, I’m writing poetry again (got 4 poems published that I wrote after losing my baby – to think, my rawest deepest emotions are worth reading about), I’ve created the From Grieving to healing & positivy fanpage, I’m blogging (www.suemorton.wordpress.com) and I’ve even been interviewed by the Wall Street Journal on how I’ve dealt with grieving, so I’ve done a lot of positive things for positive reasons but then there are days that just put you back to as if it were the day that it happened….most of those days are for obvious reasons (anniversairies of some sort) and then there are the days like today that you just think WHOA! It hurts, it hurts a lot and those are the days I don’t know what to do, how to go on…..the only thing that gets me through is knowing that it’ll pass, it’s just “one of those days” – I just wish they weren’t so damn emotional. So to all of you who acutally read my blurbs, how do YOU go on? I’m giving advice to people all the time, but there are some days I just need some advice for me?!?!?!

Learning to Dance in the rain

How to Dance in the Rain

It was a busy morning, about 8:30 , when an elderly gentleman in his 80s arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor’s appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.
The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health.

He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer’s Disease.
As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.

He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him, ‘And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are?’

He smiled
As he patted my hand and said,
‘She doesn’t know me,
But I still know who she is.’
I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought,

‘That is the kind of love
I want in my life.’

True love is neither
Physical, nor romantic.
True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one that comes along that has an important message. This one I thought
I could share with you.
The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything;
They just make the best
Of everything they have.
I hope you share this with someone you care about.
I just did.
‘Life isn’t about how to survive the storm,
But how to dance in the rain.

Creating a Positive Attitude to Create Positive Results

CREATING A POSITIVE ATTITUDE TO ACHIEVE POSITIVE RESULTS
by Mark Victor Hansen

Your attitude determines the state of world you live in. It is the foundation for every success and every failure you have had and will have. Your attitude will make you or break you.

Attitude creates the way you feel about people and situations. Your actions are a result of your attitude, which, in turn, creates a reaction from others. So, basically, what you think … you get. It is your attitude toward others and the Universe that determines the resultant attitude toward you. Incorporate a positive, joyful attitude and you’ll have positive, joyful results. Put out a bad, negative attitude and you’ve failed before you begin.

I know it sounds simple, but the truth is….it IS simple!

WHERE DO NEGATIVE ATTITUDES COME FROM IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Negative attitudes come from thinking negative thoughts over and over until they have become a part of your subconscious – they’ve become habitual, a part of your personality. You may not even realize you have a negative attitude because it’s been with you for so long. Once you have a bad attitude, you expect failure and disaster. This expectation turns you into a strong magnet for failure and disaster. Then it becomes a vicious circle. You expect the worst – you get the worst – your negative beliefs are reinforced – you expect the worst – you get …

. . Got the picture?

SO, HOW DO WE SHIFT OUR THOUGHTS AND CREATE A POSITIVE ATTITUDE?

It takes work, but creating anything of value takes work. In order to have a new attitude we have to change our subconscious thinking. How do we do this? By analyzing every thought we have until positive thinking becomes habit. You’re merely replacing an old habit with a healthy habit, much like replacing exercise for smoking.

You can’t just stop being negative – you have to replace those negative thoughts with positive ones.

Some people would say, “But negative situations are a reality. They just show up in every day life.”

This is absolutely not true. Situations are a reality, yes. They do show up. It is your ATTITUDE that makes a situation positive or negative. It’s time for you to realize that YOU are in control of how you think and feel – no one else on earth has this power unless you give it away. Take control of your attitude, and you take control of your results.

“Your state of mind creates the state of your results.”

Mark Victor Hansen

Looking back

As Mother’s Day has come to pass – again another trying year. 2nd year without my mum and what should have been the first of many mother’s day with my new little baby, I’m remembering her too now and what should have been. My little angel should have been 2 1/2 months old now. But instead she’s been an angel for 8 months. I know my mum and baby celebrated together and are just one of the few hundreds of angels that were looking down on us on Sunday – and always are.

I’ve never been a religious person but have always believed there’s “something” out there that watches over us when we need it the most and I believe that is how we somehow manage to get the courage to get back up when we’ve felt like we’ve been knocked down again and SOMEHOW find the strength to carry on.

Performing a Random Acts of Kindness Can Make YOU Feel Better!

Breakfast at McDonald’s

This is a good story and is true, please read it all the way through until the end! (After the story, there are some very interesting facts!):

I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree.

The last class I had to take was Sociology.

The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with.

Her last project of the term was called, ‘Smile.’

The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reactions.

I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say hello anyway. So, I thought this would be a piece of cake, literally.

Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to McDonald’s one crisp March morning. I t was just our way of sharing special playtime with our son. We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden everyone around us began to back away, and then even my husband did. I did not move an inch…. an overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved. As I turned around I smelled a horrible ‘dirty body’ smell, and there standing behind me were two poor homeless men…

As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was ‘smiling’ His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God’s Light as he searched for acceptance. He said, ‘Good day’ as he counted the few coins he had been clutching. The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the second man was mentally challenged and the b lue-eyed gentleman was his salvation.

I held my tears as I stood there with them.

The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted.. He said, ‘Coffee is all Miss’ because that was all they could afford. (If they wanted to sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something. He just wanted to be warm).

Then I really felt it – the compulsion was so great I almost reached out and embraced the little man with the blue eyes. That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were set on me, judging my every action. I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate tray. I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue-eyed gentleman’s cold hand.

He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, ‘Thank you.’

I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, ‘I did not do this for you. God is here working through me to give you hope.’

I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son. When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, ‘That is why God gave you to me, Honey, to give me hope..We held hands for a moment and at that time, we knew that only because of the Grace that we had been given were we able to give. We are not church goers, but we are believers. That day showed me the pure Light of God’s sweet love.

I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in hand. I turned in ‘my project’ and the instructor read it. Then she looked up at me and said, ‘Can I share this?’

I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the class.

She began t o read and that is when I knew that we as human beings and being part of God share this need to heal people and to be healed. In my own way I had touched the people at McDonald’s, my son,the instructor, and every soul that shared the classroom on the last night I spent as a college student. I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would ever learn:

UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE.

Much love and compassion is sent to each and every person who may read this and learn how to

LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS –

NOT LOVE THINGS AND USE PEOPLE.

There is an Angel sent to watch over you.

In order for her to work, you must pass this on to the people you want watched over.

An Angel wrote:

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart

To handle yourself, use your head..

To handle others, use your heart.

God gives every bird it’s food, but He does not throw it into its nest.

A box of gold

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

With a secret inside

that has never been told

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

This box is priceless but as I see

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The treasure inside is precious to me

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Today I share this treasure with thee

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It’s the treasure of friendship you’ve given me.

Success

Don’t ever think success cant be achieved, inspiration is here and you need to read this for encouragement

Success

©Niderah

The road to success is not straight
There is a curve called Failure,
a loop called confusion,
speed bumps called Friends,
red lights called Enemies, and
caution lights called Family
But if you have a spare called Determination,
an engine called Perseverance,
insurance called Faith, and
a driver called Jesus,
you will make it to a place called Success!!

The Red Shirt – very touching story

Red Shirt

If the red shirt thing is new to you, read below how it went for a man…

Last week, while traveling to Toronto on business, I noticed an army sergeant traveling with a folded flag, but did not put two and two together.

After we boarded our flight, I turned to the sergeant, who’d been invited to sit in First Class ( across from me), and inquired if he was heading home.

‘No’, he responded.

‘Heading out’, I asked?

‘No. I’m escorting a soldier home.’

‘Going to pick him up?’

‘No. He is with me right now. He was killed in Afganistan, I’m taking him home to his family.’

The realization of what he had been asked to do hit me like a punch to the gut. It was an honor for him. He told me that, although he didn’t know the soldier, he had delivered the news of his passing to the soldier’s family and felt as if he knew them after many conversations in so few days.

I turned back to him, extended my hand, and said, ‘Thank you. Thank you for doing what you do so my family and I can do what we do.’

Upon landing in Toronto , the pilot stopped short of the gate and made the following announcement over the intercom.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to note that we have had the honor of having Sergeant Steeley of the Canadian Armed Forces join us on this flight. He is escorting a fallen comrade back home to his family. I ask that you please remain in your seats when we open the forward door to allow Sergeant Steeley to deplane and receive his fellow soldier. We will then turn off the seat belt sign.’

Without a sound, all went as requested. I noticed the sergeant saluting the casket as it was brought off the plane, and his action made me realize that I am proud to be a Canadian.

So here’s a public Thank You to our military Men and Women for what you do so we can live the way we do.

Red Fridays.

Very soon, you will see a great many people wearing Red every Friday. The reason? Canadians who support our troops used to be called the ‘silent majority.’ We are no longer silent, and are voicing our love for God, country and home in record breaking numbers. We are not organized, boisterous or overbearing.

Many Canadians, like you, me and all our friends, simply want to recognize that the vast majority of Canadians supports our troops. Our idea of showing solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and respect starts this Friday and continues each and every Friday until the troops all come home, sending a deafening message that every red-blooded Canadian who supports our men and women afar, will wear something red.

By word of mouth, press, TV — let’s make Canada on every Friday a sea of red much like a homecoming Hockey game in the bleachers. If every one of us who loves this country will share this with acquaintances, co-workers, friends, and family, it will not be long before the Canada is covered in RED and it will let our troops know the once ‘silent’ majority is on their side more than ever, certainly more than the media lets on.

The first thing a soldier says when asked ‘What can we do to make things better for you?’ is ‘We need your support and your prayers.’ Let’s get the word out and lead with class and dignity, by example, and wear something red every Friday.

IF YOU AGREE — THEN SEND THIS ON BY SHARING THE STORY
IF YOU COULDN’T CARE LESS — THEN HIT THE DELETE BUTTON

The Wooden Bowl

The Wooden Bowl

I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now.

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year – old grandson. The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his plate on onto the floor.. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. ‘We must do something about father,’ said the son. ‘I’ve had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.’

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. When the family glanced in Grandfather’s direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food. The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, ‘What are you making?’ Just as sweetly, the boy responded, ‘Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up.’ The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.

The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.

That evening the husband took Grandfather’s hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

On a positive note, I’ve learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things: a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I’ve learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life.

I’ve learned that making a ‘living’ is not the same thing as making a ‘life..’

I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you

But, if you focus on your family, your friends,the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.

I’ve learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.

People love that human touch — holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.

I’ve learned that you should pass this on to everyone you care about .I just did.

The Brick

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag’s side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked ar shouting,

‘What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That’s a new car and that
brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?’

The young boy was apologetic.

‘Please, mister…please, I’m sorry but I didn’t know what else to do,’ He pleaded. ‘I threw the brick because no one else would stop…’ With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. ‘It’s my brother, ‘he said ‘He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can’t lift him up.’

Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, ‘Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He’s hurt and he’s too heavy for me.’

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat.. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. ‘Thank you and may God bless you,’ the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy!
push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.

It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: ‘Don’t go through life
so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!’ God whispers in our souls and
speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don’t have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It’s our choice to listen or not.

Thought for the Day: If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it. He sends you flowers every spring. He sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend – He is crazy about you!

God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

Read this line very slowly and let it sink in…If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it..

Life goes on…whether we want it to or not

I originally wrote this note on facebook in my discussion board in my group “coping with the death of a loved on” titling it “Life does go on”…..I wrote the main paragraph but then someone proceeded to post a message after mine saying “life doesn’t always go on” so I changed it and added the last paragraph – we may not always get the life we’ve planned but that’s why there’s the saying “LIfe ain’t always beautiful but it’s a beautiful ride” because we have to make the life we have as enjoyable as we can – we only get once chance at this thing called LIFE!

My dad started going to a grief place called Maggie’s Centre (in Scotland) after my mum passed away (June 2007). It’s a place where people who have cancer can go, family members for advice, or in my dad’s case, for bereavement councelling after my mum passed. Since I live in Canada, it was hard for me to go through the grief process with him. He hated going home to an empty house after having been married to my mum for over 30 years. He met a “lady friend” there – Joyce……she lost her husband in 2006 and was still having difficulty coping. Maggie’s Centre often hosts “outtings” where the group of people from there would go out on day trips, well my dad and Joyce hit it off and he finally called me, it was about a year after my mum passed to say he’d met a “friend” but he felt so guilty because he thought he was doing something wrong towards my mum. I told him that we never know what tomorrow brings – he’s not getting any younger after all (he’s currently 70). My mum was 13 years younger than him so she was only 55 when she passed away (2 months short of her 56th bday). So whatever chance at happiness he had, he should grab it….but to take it slowly because I didn’t want him “latching on” to the first person he met. It’s now quite a few months later and he called me at New Years to say things were getting more serious between them and he could see marriage in their future. I cried of course, so did he, because he said nobody could ever replace my mum but he hated the lonliness. I’ve spoken to her a couple times over the holidays – she seems very nice and the thing I appreciated the most was they sent me a few pictures back in November, so I could see what she looks like. She wrote me a letter – saying she’ll always take care of my dad and that they are just 2 lonely soles who have found sunshine again after a lot of rain. That meant a lot to me that she took the time to write to me. I miss my mum like crazy, and so does my dad but life does unfortuantley have to go on, not always the way we plan, but it does go on. So I wish them nothing but the best. They’re coming out for a visit to Canada in October to see me, so it’ll be nice to meet her.

A lot of people would probably disagree with me on this – but we have to go on – we can’t let grief consume our lives – we can’t let it push our loved ones away without trying to move on – the people we lose will always be with us but we have to live life. We don’t always want it to go on – I didn’t after I lost my mum, and I CERTAINLY didn’t want to go on after losing my baby – but I did – I found out the hard way you do have to try to get on with your life. What I have found out is this – what doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger.

LETTING GO

LETTING GO

After writing a very personal letter to myself and my baby last night, I wrote this poem and I am hoping it’s the one resolution I can stick to. Just because a person lets go of something, doesn’t mean they forget – but there comes a time in life when we just have to do that – let go. I can’t keep dwelling on the past – the past is what it is. I’m putting it behind me and moving on. My favorite saying is after all, LIVE-LOVE-LAUGH and I haven’t been doing that for quite a while – at least not to the full extent I should! So I’m going to LIVE more and dwell less, LOVE more and not resent and LAUGH more instead of cry. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but I’m writing this here because I”m giving my full permission for anyone to throw it back in my face if I am down one day lol. What made me come to this realization? I don’t know – it was something I wanted to do as my New Years resolution, then when that came and passed, I thought perhaps it’d be easier after my due date – but for some reason it just came to me last night – perhaps it was the bottle of wine and my thoughts combined lol – who knows, all I know is when I woke up in the morning, I still felt the same way – it’s just time. I’m so proud of me 😀

Please forgive me my angel
for I’ll never forget you.
Just the thought of that
makes me feel blue.

But I’m chosing to let you go
I hope that you can see
that if I don’t
I’ll forever lose ME!

Cause honey I see myself
losing my mind
and everyone sees it
and they’re not being unkind.

So everyone as my witness
I’M LETTING GO!
I know now if I do that,
my strength will surely grow!

Quilt of Holes

As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.

Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.

But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.

Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to thelight, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me,and nodded for me to rise.

My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn’t had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin be neath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light. An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes.

Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes,creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, ‘Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles.

Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you.’

May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!

God determines who walks into your life …it’s up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.’

Dreams….Don’t ever let go of yours

Here is a video clip from Susan Boyle’s audition on Britian’s Got Talent – just goes to show to never, ever give up on your dreams.

Angel Quotes

Just a few angel quotes I’ve found comfort and inspiration in the last couple years…………

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye (Antoine de Sanit-Exupery)

I believe we are free, within limits, and yet there is an unseen hand, a guiding angel, that somehow, like a submerged propeller, drives us on (Rabindranath Tagore)

Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly (Scottish Saying)

“Angels are those who have survived the fires of hell and kicked the devil to the curb.” ~Theodosius Aghast Patty

All we know if an angel is that it is incorporeal, immaterial, and only by comparing it with God—who is incomparable—can we see that it has some density and body after all, since in reality only God is truly immaterial and incorporeal. – John Damascus

Angels are all around us and any heart who yearns to can reach out and touch a wing.

Angels may not dress the part, With robes and wings that soar, Often angels come as friends Knocking at your door.

The virtue of angels is that they cannot deteriorate; their flaw is that they cannot improve. Man’s flaw is that he can deteriorate; and his virtue is that he can improve. -The Talmud

The stars are the windows of heaven, where the angels peek through.

Thinking of angels can ease our sorrows, strengthen our faith, and lighten our hearts. -Ann Spangler, “An Angel a Day”

Have you ever considered that, just perhaps, the reason you have gotten as far as you have is because of the invisible work of anonymous angels? Good strangers in the night? -Gary Kinnaman, “Angels Dark and Light”

Oh, I can still hear your voice in the evening. I see your sweet face your blue eyes so bright. God took you away and left me so lonely. The angels are singing in heaven tonight. -Carter and Ralph Stanley, “The Angels Are Singing”

When a good person is troubled, an angel descends from heaven and embraces her. The angel carries the sorrow-filled person on her wings through the skies, pausing at places her passenger once loved. -Suzanne Siegal Zenkel, “Your Secret Angel”

Angels work at the most basic level, healing the deepest anguish of the human heart; the feeling that we are ultimately alone in the world. -Eileen Elias Freeman, “Angelic Healing”

The stars are the windows of heaven, where the angels peek through. Old saying

Angels fly because they take themselves lightly. Jean Cocteau of Misia Sert

Imagine your angel is sitting opposite you right now. Close your eyes, breathe in deeply and imagine your angel’s golden light of love is filling your heart. -Margaret Neylon

Hanael, the Angel of December, will help us enjoy the balance of giving and receiving in many different ways: working and relaxing, giving our support to others and allowing ourselves to receive it in our own lives, having run with friends and having a quiet time alone to replenish our energy. -Margaret Neylon

Angels never stand in the way. Angels are prisms who let the light, the message through. They are clear glass, only noticeable until the sun comes up and shines in the window. -Eileen Elias Freeman, “Touched by Angels”

Those who walk with angels learn to soar above the clouds. -Proverb

Everything we call a trial, a sorrow, or a duty; believe me, that Angel’s hand is there, and the wonder of an overshadowing presence. Our joys too: be not content with them as joys. They too conceal diviner gifts. -Fra Giovanni

Whenever you are having anxious moments in your life, turn your thoughts to the angels and ask for a blessing of protection. Let the angels assist you. They are always there to offer a shoulder or to help you carry your burden. -Jane M. Howard

Treat your loved ones as your angel treats you – with compassion, respect, and generosity. -Suzanne Siegel Zenkel, “Your Secret Angel

Angels have a sense of humor…The angels wants us to enjoy life. Have a good laugh at yourself every now and again for taking life seriously. Then take time to laugh with the angels! -Margaret Neylon

It is very important to pray for others; because when you pray for someone, an angel goes and sits on the shoulder of that person. -The Virgin Mary to the children at Medjugorje

You’ll meet more angels on a winding path than on a straight one. -Daisey Verlaef

Dear God, May all the tears I cry, and all the tears I have not cried but hold within, pour forth into Your hands. Please take each painful thought and unhealed wound, and send angels here to me. I long for peace. Amen. -Marianne Williamson, “Illuminated Prayers”

All God’s angels come to us disguised.-James Russell Lowel

Angels are all around us and any heart who yearns to can reach out and touch a wing.

We all see angels; if we never recognize them, it’s because they come in ways we don’t expect – Eileen Elias Freeman, “The Angels’ Little instruction book

Angels may not dress the part, with robes & wings that soar. Often angels come as friends, knocking at your door.

When people tell me they need an angel in their life, I smile and say “I’ve already found one”.

Although we may not see them and they don’t make a sound, whenever they are needed, our angels are around.

Trust in your guardian angel and you will surely find that you’ll feel loved and protected and will have peace of mind.

A guardian angel walks with us, sent from up above, their loving wings surround us and enfold us with love.

It only takes a thought and your angel will be there………for although you may not see them, you’re always in their care.

There is a guardian angel who’s walking by your side who’ll help in life’s decisions if you let her be your guide.

If we ask our guardian angel, in a thought or in a prayer to come and stand beside us, our angel will be there.

We all have an angel who offers us protection….they’re always beside us, for when we need direction.

If you choose to believe you’ll soon have confirmation that angels do exist, for you’ll be fulfilled with inspiration.

We all have a guardian angel, sent down from above. To keep us safe from harm and surround us with their love.

When we see a snow white feather resting on the ground, it surely is a sign our guardian angel is around.

You should never feel alone, there’s always someone to turn to – it is the guardian angel, who is watching over you.

There are angels all among us, sent down from up above, to offer guidance and protection and unconditional love.

Many of us have sensed the comfort and support of angels at some point in our lives. A brush with an angel lifts us up when we’re down and inspires us when we’re discouraged (Camilla Marvel)

Guardian angels are perhaps the most popular kind, probably because we all know how fragile life can be. We desperately need protection from unexpected circumstances and unseen dangers. Just the thought of good angels hovering around us gives people a feeling of safety. (Gary Kinnaman “Angels Dark & Light”)

Hope

Hope……….it’s a strange word isn’t it? How can we have hope when everything is gone? How can we believe that things will get better when we’ve lost not just ourselves, but others too?

The reason is because hope forces us to refuse to give up.

IT gives the infinite power to never stop trying. Hope is the underlying power that drives us to achieve any goal, anywhere, anytime.

Never stop believing in hope.

Somewhere, somehow, hope can exist. Use it to strengthen your heart and empower your soul!

Prayer – To Live with Grace

May we discover through pain and torment,
the strength to live with grace and humor.
May we discover through doubt and anguish,
the strength to live with dignity and holiness.
May we discover through suffering and fear,
the strength to move toward healing.
May it come to pass that we be restored to health and to vigor.
May life grant us wellness of body, spirit, and mind.
And if this cannot be so, may we find in this transformation and passage
moments of meaning, opportunities for love
and the deep and gracious calm that comes
when we allow ourselves to move on.

Rabbi Rami M. Shapiro

Nine requisites for contented living

Health enough to make work a pleasure.
Wealth enough to support your needs.
Strength to battle with difficulties and overcome them.
Grace enough to confess your sins and forsake them.
Patience enough to toil until some good is accomplished.
charity enough to see some good in your neighbr.
Love enough to move you to be useful and helpful to others.
Faith enough to make real the things of God.
Hope enough to remove all anxious fears concerning the future.

Johan Wolfgang von Goethe

Great Words from a Fantastic Friend

I had been having a REALLY rough time a couple of months ago and a really good friend said the following to me, which I read whenever I’m down and take it to heart.

Words that I’ll read and keep on reading till it sinks in. These are words that anyone can identify with that’s going through a tough time – one day at a time is what it takes to get through things.

“You need to take each day as it comes and not think too far ahead. You have been through so much and I’m sure every day you think you can’t take much more but you make it through and that says so much. You fight through it and you don’t give up and some days you don’t realize it, but that’s what you are doing about it.”

Thanks again Megan, love ya!

Heaven

A little boy went to heaven to be an angel.
One day his mommy got to talk to him.
“Are you happy” she asked him.
‘Oh,yes’ he replied ‘Heaven is a really wonderful place’.
‘And do you play with all the other boys and girls’? she asked.
“No” he replied ‘I’m too busy carrying my buckets”.
‘But,surely you must get time to play with all the toys”?
“No” said the little boy ” I have to carry my buckets”.
“What’s this all about” she asked.
“Cant you set your buckets down sometimes and play with all the other angel’s?
The little boy looked at her sadly and said I’m too busy,because you see when you cry mommy,I gather up all your tears in my buckets and Jesus puts them in a bottle.
That’s my special job and it keeps me busy.

Author Unknown

Thoughts from our Angels Above

I have not turned my back on you,
so there is no need to cry.
I’m watching you from heaven,
just beyond the morning sky.
I’ve seen you almost fall apart,
when you could barely stand.
I asked the Lord to comfort you,
and watched him take your hand.
He told me you are in more pain,
then I could ever be.
He wiped his eyes and swallowed hard,
then gave your hand to me.
Although you may not feel my touch,
or see me by your side.
I’ve whispered that I love you,
while I wiped each tear you cried.
So please try not to ache for me,
we’ll meet again one day,
beyond the dark and stormy sky,
a Rainbow lights the way.

Remembering Loved Ones

Sometimes, it’s the little things that help us cope with loss – a photograph, a passing memory, a kindness that meant so much. These help sustain us as we wander through new feelings until we find our reserves of hope and strength again……….

Your parents taught you how to love with your whole heart, because that’s how they loved you – your whole life.

As children, we can’t comprehend or fully realize the meaning of our parent’s love, how tender and how wise, the patience and forgiveness that are part of every day. The unexpected “little things” they do in their own way. Years go by before we can look back on life and see through older eyes and wiser hearts their love and loyalty, and yet it’s these and other special things we’ll hold so dear, for memories of their steadfast love will keep them ever near.

The Dash

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on his tombstone
From the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came his date of birth
He spoke the following date with tears.
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
That he spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved him
Knew what that little line was worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live our life
It’s how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
Yes, it can still be rearranged.

Be less quick to anger,
Show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile,
Remember, that this is a special dash
It may only last a while.

So, when your eulogy’s being read
With your life’s actions to rehash,
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

We should all have beliefs like this….

I’m not a religious person, but this story is so inspiring, so true and so touching.’

GOD LIVES UNDER THE BED

I envy Kevin. My brother Kevin thinks God lives under his bed. At least that’s what I heard him say one night. He was praying out loud in his dark bedroom, and I stopped to listen, ‘Are you there, God?’ he said. ‘Where are you? Oh, I see. Under the bed…’

I giggled softly and tiptoed off to my own room. Kevin’s unique perspectives are often a source of amusement. But that night something else lingered long after the humor. I realized for the first time the very different world Kevin lives in.

He was born 30 years ago, mentally disabled as a result of difficulties during labor. Apart from his size (he’s 6-foot-2), there are few ways in which he is an adult.

He reasons and communicates with the capabilities of a 7-year-old, and he always will. He will probably always believe that God lives under his bed, that Santa Claus is the one who fills the space under our tree every Christmas and that airplanes stay up in the sky because angels carry them.

I remember wondering if Kevin realizes he is different. Is he ever dissatisfied with his monotonous life?

Up before dawn each day, off to work at a workshop for the disabled, home to walk our cocker spaniel, return to eat his favorite macaroni-and-cheese for dinner, and later to bed.

The only variation in the entire scheme is laundry, when he hovers excitedly over the washing machine like a mother with her newborn child.

He does not seem dissatisfied.

He lopes out to the bus every morning at 7:05, eager for a day of simple work.

He wrings his hands excitedly while the water boils on the stove before dinner, and he stays up late twice a week to gather our dirty laundry for his next day’s laundry chores.

And Saturdays -oh, the bliss of Saturdays! That’s the day my Dad takes Kevin to the airport to have a soft drink, watch the planes land, and speculate loudly on the destination of each passenger inside. ‘That one’s goin’ to Chi-car-go!’ Kevin shouts as he claps his hands.

His anticipation is so great he can hardly sleep on Friday nights.

And so goes his world of daily rituals and weekend field trips.

He doesn’t know what it means to be discontent.

His life is simple.

He will never know the entanglements of wealth, of power, and he does not care what brand of clothing he wears or what kind of food he eats. His needs have always been met, and he never worries that one day they may not be.

His hands are diligent. Kevin is never so happy as when he is working. When he unloads the dishwasher or vacuums the carpet, his heart is completely in it.

He does not shrink from a job when it is begun, and he does not leave a job until it is finished. But when his tasks are done, Kevin knows how to relax.

He is not obsessed with his work or the work of others. His heart is pure.

He still believes everyone tells the truth, promises must be kept, and when you are wrong, you apologize instead of argue.

Free from pride and unconcerned with appearances, Kevin is not afraid to cry when he is hurt, angry or sorry. He is always transparent, always sincere. And he trusts God.

Not confined by intellectual reasoning, when he comes to Christ, he comes as a child. Kevin seems to know God – to really be friends with Him in a way that is difficult for an ‘educated’ person to grasp. God seems like his closest companion.

In my moments of doubt and frustrations with my Christianity I envy the security Kevin has in his simple faith.

It is then that I am most willing to admit that he has some divine knowledge that rises above my mortal questions.

It is then I realize that perhaps he is not the one with the handicap. I am. M y obligations, my fear, my pride, my circumstances – they all become disabilities when I do not trust them to God’s care.

Who knows if Kevin comprehends things I can never learn? After all, he has spent his whole life in that kind of innocence, praying after dark and soaking up the goodness and love of God.

And one day, when the mysteries of heaven are opened, and we are all amazed at how close God really is to our hearts, I’ll realize that God heard the simple prayers of a boy who believed that God lived under his bed.

Kevin won’t be surprised at all!

When you receive this, say a prayer. That’s all you have to do. There is nothing attached. Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost, but a lot of rewards.

FRIENDS ARE ANGELS WHO LIFT US TO OUR FEET WHEN OUR WINGS HAVE TROUBLE REMEMBERING HOW TO FLY.

MotivateUs.Com

Motivate Us – http://www.motivateus.com/
I love this site – I found it last year and read it continuously for upbeat quotes! Run by Marlene Blaszczyk.

My thoughts, my answers

I wrote this October 15, 2008 in my notes section on Facebook – so many people were asking me or asking others about me, I thought I’d share how I really was. Sometimes it helps to write out how you’re feeling, cause you can’t always tell people face to face, or at least vocally how you’re feeling. I know I always feel better when I write things out……it helps.

OK, so everyone keeps asking how I’m doing and I love you all for it. Here are my honest thoughts: I don’t know what to say to people half the time. It’s like I want to talk about it but I don’t cause it hurts, but I don’t want a person not asking me in case I feel like talking about it but I don’t want a person feeling like they have to walk on egg shells around me, does that make sense?

I have barely had a good day this last 5 weeks, but there are some days that I feel better than others and then when I do I get upset because I think that I have no right to be feeling ok, then I get mad at myself because I know it’s not my fault for what happened, it’s like my mind’s a big circle of thoughts and I never know what to do with them. So if I seem upset, I am, but don’t shy away, if I don’t mention it, then perhaps I’m having one of those better days than others, OR I’m just upset enough again I don’t want anyone to know what I’m feeling. I’m not trying to shut anybody out, all of my friends and family – you guys are great and I love you all, and I thank you for being patient with me while I get through this grief.

Did you know that the only things I have to remind me of my baby was my first and only ultrasound pics at 11 weeks and my first “belly” shot that I took, which I thought was going to be the first of many. People laughed at me because I was barely even showing but I could tell the difference in buttoning up my shorts – they were tight and I was actually ecstatic lol.

Anyways, it’s little things like that that I will hang on to. About 10 days before I lost the baby (it was the closing day of the Ex, so whatever day that was), I had bought a nice notebook there because I was going to start my “baby diary”. I was collecting things, like the ultrasound pic, my belly pic, a card that I’d gotten from one of my oldest and dearest friends, who had just had a baby of her own, that she hoped our kids would be as good friends as we were – (AND BRANDIE, I KNOW THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT FRIENDS), tags from the first couple of maternity items I’d bought (yeah I know, I’m a sentimental sap, anyone that knows me well enough knows this already). But I never got around to putting the info into the journal.

Well I did on Oct 8th – 4 weeks after I lost the baby – I put the blood test results confirming I was pregnant, everything I mentioned above, plus all the test results I’d had had up to that point as I was to have my first OBGYN appt Oct 9th so I had copies of everything to bring to them, needless to say they didn’t get them so I’m keeping them. It’s now my “getting through this” journal becuase I’ve been writing poems in it. I haven’t written poems since I was in highschool but for some reasons all these words are coming to me now, and I need SOMEWHERE to put them. My first poem, the one that I posted in the group I created “losing a baby” was written as I finished putting the last item into my journal.

Sorry guys, didn’t mean to “ramble” but there’s my “how am I” answer. I have good days, I have bad days. But life is a roller coaster – somedays up, somedays down but forever going.

Take care,
Sue

Without You

We all know what it’s like to hear a song on the radio and identify with it in some way that’s related to our lives. The song by the Dixie Chicks is one that gets me all teary whenever I think of my baby.

Without You (Dixie Chicks)
I’ve sure enjoyed the rain
But Im looking forward to the sun
You have to feel the pain
When you lose the love you gave someone
I thought by now the time
Would take away these lonely tears
I hope youre doing fine all alone,
But where do I go from here cause

Without you Im not okay
And without you
Ive lost my way
My hearts stuck
In second place ooh
Without you

Well I never thought Id be
Lying here without you by my side
It seems unreal to me that
The life you promised was a lie
You made it look so easy
Making love into memories
I guess you got what you wanted
But what about me cause

Without you Im not okay
And without you
Ive lost my way
My hearts stuck
In second place ooh
Without you

Somebody tell my head to try to tell my heart
That Im better off without you
cause baby I cant live

Without you Im not okay
And without you
Ive lost my way
My hearts stuck
In second place ooh
Without you…without you

Grief

“Grief is so high you can’t get over it, so low you can’t get under it, so wide you can’t get around it, you must go through the door. So although you will never get “over” grief, you WILL get through it – somehow, someway, you will.”

Hope

When all about you is black with gloom,
And all you feel is pending doom.
When your bones are racked with grim despair –
When every breath is a gasp for air.
Keep on going, though you need to grope,
For around the bend is a ray of hope.

A ray of hope is perhaps all that’s left,
As your will to live has been bereft.
You’ve lost it all, it’s just no use!
You can end it all, you need no excuse.
But throw away that piece of rope,
And give yourself a chance of hope.

Just give yourself another day,
Brushing aside what your thoughts may say.
This is your life and you can make a new start,
By ignoring the brain – just follow the heart.
Taking baby steps in order to cope,
And minute by minute you’ll build on your hope.

Build on your hope,. one day at a time,
Though the road be steep and hard to climb.
The hurts of the past – they should be dead.
The fears of the future are all in your head.
Just live in the present and refuse to mope
Your life will sparkle for you’re living in hope

by Brian Quinn

(I saw this in a group I belong to about dealing with loved ones who have had cancer and think it can be put into any aspect of life).

Your time’s limited

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living in someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. (Steve Jobs)

ME

Life After Loss

Experiencing a terrible loss and the grief that goes with it is the most concrete proof there is that you’re a normal, real, live human being.

We live in a mortal, frail imperfect world in which fair doesn’t always apply.

Grief is the last act of love we have to give those who have died. Grief is the final way we can say “I care about you, and you matter very much to me”.

Grief is so high you can’t get over it, so low you can’t get under it, so wide you can’t get around it, you must go through the door.

So although you will never get “over” grief, you WILL get through it – somehow, someway, you will.

My Baby, My Peanut and now my Angel

My baby, my peanut - my angel - taken at 11 wks 4 days

My mum – August 8, 1951-June 10, 2007

My mum and I - taken May 27th - 2 weeks after this she was no longer with us:(

My hubby and I

Jamie and I got married Sept. 15, 2001, we’ve been together since New Years 1999. We’ve been through a lot of ups and downs, and we’re still going strong. He’s not only my soulmate but he’s my best friend and I treasure that.

CHEEEEESE!

Grief – Does it stop?

My mum=D

I wrote this Feb 11, 2008 – 8 months after my mum had passed away.

Well it’s 8 months yesterday since my mum died. I can’t believe how fast time goes, yet at the same time it seems like it’s been forever: forever since I’ve heard her voice, forever since I’ve heard her call me Darlin and forever since I’ve been able to hear her laugh. I feel bad, because I didn’t even pay attention to the date, although it’s amazing how our subconscious mind works. I had two dreams in a row about her this weekend on Friday and Saturday – my dreams about her were starting to fade, yet on Saturday night it was the one that I used to have when she died – that I’d be in her hospital room and I either didn’t make it to Scotland in time, or that I did and I got to say goodbye, with her being awake and not in a coma – neither of those came true because thankfully I did make it in time but she was in a coma for my goodbye. Then on Sunday, I just kept remembering silly things, and would tear up. It wasn’t until my dad called late afternoon that I realized the date – he said he’d brought flowers to the cemetary and a Valentines day card – I was thinking, that’s odd – why not leave it to Valentine’s day but before I got a chance to ask he said it’s hard to believe it’s 8 months! So although I wasn’t paying attention to the date, something made me remember it from my emotions.

I read a little blurb on grieving yesterday from the book “Grieving the Death of a Mother” by Harold Ivan Smith and I thought it fit:

Grief for a mother will have its days – sometimes long after the rituals are over & condolence cards have stoped coming in the mail. Whenever I’m convinced that grief is “done” BANG! It’s back. As if there’s an invisible chord that pulls me back to my grief: there is – memory.

It does not matter who you are or how high or low your status in society: how old or young you are, how experienced you are in teh black and blue realities of life, how clever you are with words. Losing a mother wounds. (Harold Ivan Smith).

That’s Why we Walk

I bought a book in the States called “Why we walk” & it’s people that’ve walked in the 60 mile walk in the States for breast cancer. The CD that comes with it has a song is called “Why we walk” by Phil & Julie Vasser – it really touched me:

There’s an empty seat at the dinner table
where a mother used to sit.
She was 34 years old, full of life and dreams
and two small kids.
There’s a young man with a tear in his eye and a pink riboon on his coat
in memory of the only love he’d ever known.

There’s a lady looking in the mirror without a single strand of hair.
She barely recognized the woman standing there.
She’s waging a silent war against an enemy inside
and putting up the fight of her life

Chorus
That’s why we walk.
We walk to remember.
We walk to celebrate.
That’s why we walk.
Leaning on each other
and holding on to faith.
For those who are gone and those who live on.
We honor them all
& that’s why we walk.

She lays in a cold white room in a baby-blue paper gown,
anticipating what the x-rays might have found.
Then she hears the words that always stop you on a dime
and prays that they found it in time.

CHORUS

For life, for love, for one another,
for him, for her, there’s strength in numbers.

Never take advantage of the time we have!

I did it! I started this blog yesterday. I’ve even got a couple of responses so far, wow! It’s nice to know that there are people out there that want positivity too out of their grief. I couldn’t believe Jami’s message from “Mom’s Halo” website – She wants me to possibly be on her next podcast – how COOL is that? Can you imagine? The only problem with that though is I know I’d get all tongue tied and would have no idea what to say. I know that’s hard to believe from my writings but really – I have so much to say but I’m so much better at writing out my thoughts, not speaking them!

I’m writing this entry as I eat my lunch at work. I work in a hospital. Just as I sat down, someone required a code blue and it was pretty much right in front of me (code blue is called when someone requires CPR or assistance to that effect). They’re working on the elderly gentleman right now. I hope he’s ok. Can only imagine what his poor wife’s going through – I mean they’re here to visit someone, not get medical attention themselves! They just took him away by stretcher to the hospital across the street (I work in a Children’s hospital so no emergency room visits for him here!). He’s sitting up in the stretcher and talking to the ambulance attendant so that’s a good sign!

What a day it’s been for medical emergencies! This morning on my GO train ride in, we got stopped for a medical emergency. I’m not sure what it was for, but they had to call the ambulance. I’m sure it wasn’t anything too serious as they didn’t make an announcement asking if there were any medical people on board the train, but it ticked me off to hear passengers complaining. I mean, yes, we’re late for work, but we’re not being taken away by ambulance and going to the hospital like that unlucky person!

It makes you realize, or at least it does to me, that it’s a reminder you never know what a day will bring. I mean I’m sure neither of these people realize what there day would bring! Although we can’t dwell on the fact there one day there may not be a tomorrow for us, we must love and cherish what we have NOW and never take advantage of time, for it’s a lot shorter than we realize!

Sue

Can I really do this?

This was a journal entry I’d created March 3rd – just my rambling thoughts….

Do I dare try this? All this writing I’ve been doing the past 20 months…do I actually try to make some sense of it?

When I started the group on facebook “Coping with the death of a loved one”, I never in a million years would have thought it would do as well as it did. I also never thought I’d be able to help people, like they said I’ve done, while at the same time, getting tremendous support to help me work through my own grief.

I submitted those poems and I couldn’t believe it when they actually got accepted. I mean who would have thought my deepest, depressed moods are good enough for reading by others?

I started reading all the stories I wrote when I was still in school and I got to thinking – should I rewrite them to actually see if I can submit them to actually see if I can get them published somewhere? Another thought I’ve had – trying to write a grief book. I figure if I’ve really helped all these people through one group on facebook, should I try to expand – or maybe see about creating an actual website……hmmmmmmm

What a Hug Can Do

It’s wondrous what a hug can do,
A hug can cheer you when you’re blue.
A hug can say, I love you so Or,
Gee, I hate to see you go.
A hug is ‘Welcome back again!’
And ‘Great to see you!’ Or
‘Where’ve you been?’
A hug can soothe a child’s pain,
And bring a rainbow after rain.
The Hug! There’s just no doubt about it,
We scarcely could survive without it.
A hug delights and warms and charms.
It must be why God gave us arms.
Hugs are great for fathers and mothers,
Sweet for sisters, even brothers,
And chances are, some favorite aunts
Love them more than potted plants.
Kittens crave them, puppies love them,
Heads of state are not above them.
A hug can break the language barrier,
And make the dullest day seem merrier.
No need to fret about the store of ’em
The more you give, The more there are of ’em.
So stretch out those arms without delay
And give someone a hug today!

A Simple Hug

There’s something in a simple hug, That always warms the heart;
It welcomes us back home And makes it easier to part

A hug’s a way to share the joy And sad times we go through,
Or just a way for friends to say They like you ’cause you’re you

Hugs are meant for anyone For whom we really care,
From your grandma to your neighbor, Or a cuddly teddy bear

A hug is an amazing thing – It’s just the perfect way
To show the love we’re feeling But can’t find the words to say

It’s funny how a little hug Makes everyone feel good;
In every place and type, It’s always understood

And hugs don’t need new equipment, Special batteries or parts
Just open up your arms And open up your hearts

Don’t Quit!

DON’T QUIT – Don’t quit when the tide is lowest, for it’s just about to turn.

Don’t quit over doubts and questions, for there’s something you may learn.

A smile for you!

Smiling is contagious, you catch it like the flu. When someone smiled at me today, I started smiling too.
I passed around the corner and someone saw my grin, when he smiled I realized I’d passed it on to him.
I thought abuot that smile when I realized its worth, a single smile,just like mine could travel round the earth.
So, if you feel a smile begin, don’t leave it undetected, let’s start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected.
Keep the smile going by sending this onto a friend, everyone needs a smile!

MY Story

Hi everyone,

I lost my mum on June 10, 2007. She had breast cancer 16 years ago, when I was 15 years old and had a mastectomy. She went through chemo then went into remission. My family moved to Scotland in October 1998 (with me staying here) and she found out in November 1999 that she had leukemia. They say that the type of chemotherapy she was on at the time for the breast cancer caused the leukemia. She was in hospital for 6 months and finally went into remission for that. In November 2006 she found out she had myelodysplasia (pre-leukemia). The doctors told her that any “cold” she gets she has to treat aggresively because she basically had no immune system. The doctors couldn’t figure out since she already had leukemia, what did this mean? She was going to the hopsital once a month to get a pint of blood transfused into her. I went to Scotland May 26th for a week to visit them and she had a bit of a cough. She went to the doctors on Monday the 28th and they gave her antibiotics, saying if the fever she had got any worse, to go to the hospital. She went to the hospital on May 30th and was told she’d be in for a couple of days to get iv antibiotics. I flew back home on the Sunday, with her still being in the hospital. I got a call on the Wednesday that she’d taken a turn for the worse and there was nothing more they could do except keep her comfortable. My sister told her that I was flying back out. The doctors told my family on the Thursday morning it was only a matter of hours as she’d slipped into a coma. I flew out on the Friday night (it was the quickest flight I could get) and I got there Saturday afternoon. She passed away Sunday June 10th @ 1:47am with me there holding her hand. the doctors believe the only reason she fought was cause she knew I was coming and I would want to say goodbye.

I thought there was an upside to this story (if there could ever be one) – After 5 years of my husband and I trying to get pregnant – I did, at the beginning of June 2008- the one year anniversairy of my mum’s death. I was ecstatic. My mum passed away June 10, 2007 so I thought this was her final gift to me, as she always wanted to be a grandmother. As of September 11 (what a great date already), I lost my precious gift.

The only comfort I’m taking is that my mum has the grandchild she always wanted and that I now have two angels watching over me.

I know everything happens for a reason. I know there is sunshine at the end of this rainstorm, but it sure doesn’t feel like it right now.

Zbigniew Herbert Quote

I found this quote in an Oprah magazine, it was right around the time I was at my lowest after losing my baby but at the same time, knowing I had to do SOMETHING to get out of the “funk” I was in. It really opened up my eyes and I hope it does to you too!

“I know it’s hard to be reconciled. Not everything is exactly the way it ought to be. But please turn around and step into the future. Leave memories behind & enter the land of hope” (Zbigniew Herbert – Oprah Magazine 2008)

Hello world!

Hello everyone! This is my first try at blogging so be patient with me. I’m hoping through this I can help others with getting from the low point of grieving to the part where you can see that there is a “light at the end of the tunnel”. I’m just in the middle of setting this up so please, be patient with me while I figure it out. I created a group on Facebook after losing my mum in June 2007 (COPING WITH THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE) because I had never lost anyone before close to me and I didn’t know anyone personally that I could to to help me get through it. The group introduced me to some amazing people and not only did they help me through my journey through grief, but I’m touched that I helped others! So I’m “expanding” that onto here, to see if anyone outside of the facebook world would be interested in a site for coping with the death of a loved one.

So if anyone reading this is on facebook, check out the group, as everyone’s lost someone they care about, whether it be a parent, child, sibling, etc…..

Take care!

Sue